So I’m finally watching the wedding (mostly in fast-forward because WHAT IS THIS..)
1. My mom kind of wore the same (very similar) dress to her wedding in 1975. Kate has better sleeves, but my mom’s bustier is way cuter. (Fashion tip: If the bones of your clavicle are bigger than your boobs, don’t pretend you have boobs with a sweetheart bustier.*)
2. As a former journalist, I love listening to insane patter when there’s crazy slow time. The Brits have this as an art. And the creepy people camped out to watch? Brilliant.
3. I’d rebel against a monarchy if I were forced to watch this as often as these royal weddings seemed to have happen pre-American Revolution. And taxes on tea and property and stuff.
4. (This should be #1) I have no interest in being a Windsor. None, none whatsoever. No wonder everyone cracks, this is INSANE.
5. Even Oliver, who was insistent upon wearing a hat, has passed out in the wake of 11 hours of coverage. Also: his name apparently means “elf army” in some form of English. So, if you’re looking to attack elves with things like snuggles, this would be the best time.
6. What the hell is going on with BBC hair??? Everyone looks like they just got out of a flattering ponytail. Is this a thing, because I like it (even if my hair is so straight ponytail holders fall out me — insert Yakof Smirnoff joke because I’m too tired to do it myself). But everyone on the BBC has some version of this post-braided hair ponytail sex look and it’s BLOODY BRILLIANT, IT IS!!
(Seriously, could someone get Jezebel to do a feature on post-sex-looking, post-braid journalist hair for the BBC wedding, because I’m at hour 3:12 and I am still very impressed. (Mine really does fall down after MINUTES. My little icon thingy took 2 hours of work and I was literally picking out pieces of hairspray for a week TO GET THE LIFT THAT ISN’T LIFT AT ALL.) I know my hair is finer than my friends’ babies after about 3 months, but I think kind of hair is common in that island community, yes? I remember doing that braid trick to get volume when I was younger so *someone* has to have my kind of locks… Drat, that Swedish princess is in a floppy hat. Way to sell me out, possibly hair twin.)
*So glad I am too old to be out of weddings featuring yet another not necessarily anorexic bride, but a woman who has very much not consumed a sandwich since a few days before she got engaged. But that bust is awful for pretty much everyone and to have it become fashionable again is as much of a disservice as bringing sleeves back (though I think they’ve been rad for at least 4 years) is a legitimately fantastic service. That being said, that bridesmaid dress is probably what I’ll wear to my fake wedding to a rich foreigner in need of a green card on April Fool’s Day at the Los Angeles County Courthouse. Because I’m a romantic. (And won’t get married until my body weight is less than that of when I was 11.)