I was on my way to this gay gypsy bar mitzvah for...
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. i’m concentrating on my dress size! i think i have a crush on this character too…
Following John's Post Bit By Bit... Part 5
One of the reasons I exist is because of a gypsy curse. Many many many years ago, my great great grandfather was a wealthy man who lived in a castle in Hungary and traveled around Europe, doing fancy aristocratic things for the Austrian-Hapsburg Empire. (Unsure if I am a very long-removed Hapsburg… though my weak jawline is definitely passed down this way and that *is* one of their weird...
Following John's Blog Post Bit By Bit... Part 4
4. I found Oliver because of a terrible interview. After that plane exploded, I moved to Chicago. It was a horrible decision, partially because I could never get a job in my field. At some point I attempted to temp. I dressed up, went to an interview and was promptly told I would make “nine dollars an hour if I was lucky” (less than I was getting on unemployment) and essentially...
Following John's Blog Post Bit By Bit... Part 3
3. I was absolutely convinced I’d spend the rest of my life in New York City… until November 12, 2001. Remember when that plane crashed in Queens approximately two months after September 11th? I got laid off the day before. And if losing my gig wasn’t enough (second lay-off of the year, city just blew up, breathing toxic air, anthrax scares, further threats of terrorism,...
Following John's Blog Post Bit By Bit... Part 2
2. I know every word to Snoop Dogg’s Doggystyle and most early gangster rap albums from 1990 until about 1995 or so… It’s been my cleaning album since 1994. I’m the whitest person in the world and I actually think this compounds that point. And I am fully aware of how hilarious it is to see my very blonde, very Aryan self with my blonde/white dog in a white Corolla (it...
Following John's Blog Post Bit By Bit...
Decided to do one of those things you don’t know about me posts… but in chunks because I’m cleaning my place and will feel the need to post as a break while I turn my home from slightly dirty to messy to clean. 1. Procrastination is my primary motivation. I’m cleaning because I’m going to write later but I can’t write unless my writing space is not...
glitterbubbles asked: I will DEFINITELY be letting you know next time I'm going to Portland!!! I can't wait to see you!!! <3<3<3<3 xoxoxoxoxo
Are You Sure It's Only Tuesday?
I forgot my parents’ anniversary today. First time since I was seven or eight. Thirty-six years together is very impressive, plus they still like each other and seem very much in love. I am very lucky. I’d make a joke that the traditional gift for 36 years of marriage is bone china but… gross, it’s my parents. That being said, my little dog had surgery this morning to...
Andy Sandford Central: When Examined “Step By... →
andysandfordcomedy: If there’s one thing I’ve learned from marijuana, it’s that I’ve learned from marijuana. In all honesty, I rarely partake in blazing up the more bohemian botanicals, but when I do, it always leads to the acquiescence of knowledge that sober-me would never bother to look up. The last time I… I just had a conversation today about how my long since abandoned affinity...
Deconstructing My Disdain For Rose Tyler
I hate Rose Tyler. I can’t help it. At first I thought it was her overprocessed blonde hair and eight pounds of eye makeup, but it goes deeper. (That being said I have a natural aversion towards women who attempt to recreate a Nordic look, fail miserably and subsequently turn my genetic code into a cultural shorthand for hussy.) 1. She’s an idiot. And her street smarts are pretty...
i'm sad i didn't do this first... →
So I was up late yesterday watching Dr. Who
and a few questions came up: — How much eye makeup did Rose have to carry with her on that Tardis? Yeesh. — Why don’t the people of London fear Christmas if messed up things always happened? — Was the Doctor *ahem* sharing his Tardis with Rose the whole time because she was really lame and yet he was so very entranced… And a lot of those adventures very much...
An actual conversation I had with my dad today
Me: Oliver's girlfriend is over.
Dad: Ollie has a girlfriend?
Me: Yeah, they're very cute. They poop in tandem.
Dad: So do you have a boyfriend yet?
Dad: But Ollie has a girlfriend...
Me: And he was kind of set up with Frida by their respective spinster moms.
Dad: Maybe you're too picky.
Me: Well I don't eat out of the garbage if given the opportunity. So, yeah, probably.